Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Fear of Mistakes and Nervousness

With my new job (background check still pending) I am encountering a bunch of new experiences that I feel I should be able to do by now. For instance, tomorrow I have to take notes at an important NH Management Meeting and at a  ME weekly conference call. It doesn't sound like a hard task, but I have never been very good at taking notes. I am beyond nervous about it. I've never taken notes for anything other than a class before. My NH manager is great though. She wants to be able to help me do the best I can do. I met with her today about the task and she tried to provide me with useful tips on how I could go about doing it. Being from a generation who grew up practically engulfed in technology, I don't take notes by hand too well. My NH manager got me a laptop rental so that I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Unfortunately, my only worry at this point would be that I am not going to be able to speak up, that I am going to miss something important, and that I am going to lose my focus and stop listening. I've been doing that a lot lately and I can't seem to shake it. I am very much a quiet person by nature and it's hard for me to speak up in front of a group of people and draw attention to me. My NH manager has reassured me that she usually has a pretty good memory and she will do her best to go over notes with me afterwards. However, my ME manager hasn't been too forgiving...I think. I am unaware of what she expects of me entirely. She is aware that I am not going to be able to make sense of much, since I am so new to everything. This meeting I am going to have to write everything out by hand. I don't know how to ease my mind about this... any of it. I've even Google'd how to take notes, to see if there were any tricks to it. My problem is that I am mortified of making a mistake, always have been. I take making a mistake so hard, I beat myself up for it, though I know I shouldn't. Mistakes are how we learn, or at least that is what I have been told.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Minor Setback

These past couple of days has presented some setbacks for my husband and I in the fitness department. Towards the middle of last week, my husband came home from work with a fever. After a couple of days of recovery, he's mostly back to normal. Obviously, he wasn't able to hope onto the treadmill so he hasn't gotten very far. Then, I got sick. -_- I was NOT happy! Since I am starting the training for my new job, I can't afford to get sick. There is a lot of information I need to be able to absorb and I am not able to absorb it if I am full of mucus. In effort to bounce back as quickly as possible,  I spent as much time this passed weekend resting. Monday rolls around and I am doing better, but my head is still unable to focus and breathing can be difficult if I overexert myself. Figures!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Worst is Behind Me?

After my twenty minutes on the treadmill last night, I felt pretty good. For once I wanted to keep on working out. Not necessarily on the treadmill, but I wanted to keep moving. I know keeping a routine will still be pretty hard, but I want to think that the worst is behind me. The hardest part of getting back on the fitness wagon, that largest leap of sweat and tears, is in the past. I know that I can do this and, with the cruise to the Caribbean coming up in August, I am ready to shed off my winter fat and look amazing in my VS bathing suit again!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Great Debate

So almost everyone that knows me knows that ever since I got married, I have been very eager to start a family. I was also bound and determined to be a stay at home mom. At first, we didn't because we weren't ready. We wanted to have fun before we tied ourselves down. Once we decided we were ready, it became a financial concern. I was unemployed with virtually no employable skills. Now that I have a job and it isn't a financial concern, we have planned for waiting a couple years (it's not fair for them to put all this time to train me then I leave because I have a child). Now, I am questioning whether or not I should stay at home. All of these years of not being able to find a job, I finally have one and I want to give it up after a couple years? It just doesn't make logical sense to me. The whole reason why I wanted to be a SAHM was because I wanted to focus on my child. I wanted on focus on teaching them everything I could about the world. I didn't want someone I hardly knew doing that. Now, I know plenty of working moms who do a great job with their children. I know that it is possible to have a job and teach your child at the same time. I just feel I would do a better job if I were able to focus solely on them. I know I really shouldn't be concerning myself with this right now, it's not like it's happening 9 months from now. The thoughts just go through my head constantly, and I don't know how to put them to rest.

I guess a way I could approach this is like this: being a mom means that you have to be completely selfless. You have to think of what would be best for your child, not necessarily yourself. I want to have a career, but I want to do everything I could for my child. I feel I can't succeed at both. I guess I have to do what is best for my child, not for me.

Monday, February 6, 2012

It's Always Hardest at the Beginning

My husband and I started our quest towards fitness yesterday. We both did 20 minutes on the new treadmill. It was very disappointing for me because I am in worse shape than I thought. After 20 minutes, I was exhausted! I wanted to go for longer, but couldn't due to pain occurring in my hip. It's going to take some time, I guess, to be able to do 30 minutes. We took our "motivation pictures". These are going to be pictures of ourselves that we use as motivation. We wear as little clothing as possible (my husband in athletic shorts and myself in shorts and an athletic bra) and see how we improve. We refuse to use a scale unless we are at a doctor's office. The number can be deceiving if you are doing both cardio and weight training. Since we won't be using a scale we need one way to measure our improvement, hence, the pictures. I was shocked at my picture. I looked horrible! I couldn't believe that I still wore my VS bikini in public! I will get back into my bikini body!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Right Place at the Right Time

A little while back in August 2011, I was told that I would be a competitive candidate for a Program Assistant position by my supervisor. I had applied to the only opening at the time and was one of only two people that were being interviewed. The only problem being that the other candidate was a temp working in the same department that the position was hiring for. I looked great, felt great, had a super awesome interview but realized that since the people hiring already knew and loved the other candidate, I had no chance. Sure enough the position was given to the other temp and, to make myself  feel better about it, determined that I was just not in the right place at the right time. Since then, everyone that I have worked with within the company has been looking out for me. They've been recommending me for temporary and permanent positions throughout the company. I have been working steadily thanks to them for almost a year.

Well, today my perseverance finally paid off. One of the Program Assistants within the department I am temping for has resigned. What this means is simple, as complicated as it may sound. The lady that I am filling in for right now is on maternity leave. When she comes back, she will resuming the position of the lady who resigned. That, in turn, leaves an open Program Assistant position, the position that I am currently in. Guess who they really (and, apparently, I mean REALLY) want to continue in that position??? [points to self while jumping up and down!!]

This was totally unexpected! So unexpected that I remember laying in bed with my husband only a couple days or so ago and discussing how much I would really love to have this position because I love working with the people I am working with. I remember discussing with my husband about how I just wasn't at the right place at the right time when it came to the NECAP position. God didn't want me there apparently, he wants me here and this is where I am to be.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


My husband is doing a little better with the weight loss thing. We still aren't very active and we still haven't gone to the gym but he is trying to think of way to make it easier for us to eat healthier (minus buying candy at the shoe store). I know, it's only been one day, give him/us time. Last night, we had a stir fry for dinner. I love using fresh vegetables, but I had to face the facts: I don't yet have the discipline to stick to eating vegetables for dinner twice a week if I have to cut up fresh vegetables every time. So, I thought maybe we could try frozen vegetables. I would grab a handful of each vegetables and throw it in. Pete thought of a way to make it even more efficient. Put together a meal size serving into a freezer bag, repeat that a couple times. His thought is that if we don't even have to think about the meal, if all we have to do is grab one bag and dump it into a pan, we will be more likely to do it.

I also took one more step towards getting ready to lose weight. I bought myself some new sneaks! My current pairs were sad...very, very sad. My white and pink New Balance shoes were losing the soles. I don't blame them for coming loose, I've owned them for close to 5 years and I bought them pre-owned. They are officially my yard work/painting/grungy shoes. My second pair were just too small for my feet. I bought them knowing they were too small, but I couldn't help it. I thought maybe I could stretch them out...yea, no. Those would be my black Pumas. I've wanted a pair ever since middle school but they were just too expensive. They were on sale for $20!!! Just poor timing for my feet... oh well! My newest pair are some white and purple Saucony's. See here. They feel amazing on my feet... I just don't like the purple. I wanted a similar pair (just grey and blue; sorry I am unable to find a picture) but they didn't have my size. They had my size, just not in Wide. "Darn my fat feet!": I consistently say while shoe shopping. My husband even tried to make light of the situation saying something like "Geez! Glasses, arthritis AND wide feet!? I think we need to send you back to the factory. You're broken!" Luckily, I did find that funny, mainly because I do feel broken a lot. Or at least more broken than I should at my age.