Frustration Leading to Sadness

I was expecting to get our treadmill this past weekend. Ever since my husband received the pamphlet with the dimensions of the box, he was convinced that he would be able to fit in the back of the Honda Fit. I wasn't so sure. After deciding that we were going to go for the Livestrong LS 8.0T, Pete kept going on and on about how he knew it would fit. I insisted on him measuring with all possible space available. He measured and all though there still wasn't enough space, he was still convinced. I refused to purchase it until took something solid to measure the length (a measuring tape can bend in a way that a box can't) and convince me that without any problems it will fit. I told him everyday after work that he should try doing that. Convince me! Then Friday night, he found a piece of strapping that was the same length as the treadmill. He looks at it and finally says "Ya know what? I don't think it's going to fit." .... really? You think?! I don't understand why he doesn't listen to me. It's not that he doesn't listen to me all the time, but when he gets something into his head there is no way to get it out. He wasted all this time with a mental picture of how he wanted it to happen that he didn't have time to call a friend or family member to see if they could help us. Now we have to wait another week to get the treadmill. Another week of doing nothing but sit around and get fatter. I am already 130 lbs! I don't need any more fat on me!

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. Pete had broken the news to me that his dad wasn't going to help us with the treadmill until Sunday. I was hoping to get it sometime during the week since his dad works practically down the street from the Dicks Sporting Goods that we are purchasing it from. Then he told me that we have another month of gym membership because we didn't get their early enough to cancel. Pete told me that I shouldn't be upset about his dad because we can still go to the gym. Yea, right... when are we ever going to do that?! There was a reason why we were getting the treadmill. I don't have any motivation after or before work to wait for an available treadmill, I don't exactly feel like putting on a bathing suit (who really wants to see a fatty in a skimpy VS bathing suit anyways) and Pete is too tired after work to help motivate either of us to go. Not to mention that this gym is so unbelievably air conditioned and I freeze just changing in the locker rooms.

Pete said that he is going to help with my eating, make sure I'm eating healthy. I hate to say this but I don't believe him. I'm always the one swatting his hands away from the cookies. I hate feeling that I have to do this weight loss thing on my own. At the gym, I used to have to push Pete, all the time. If I wasn't forcing him to get out of the car and go into the gym, we didn't go. I had to convince him to run, to lift the weight just a couple more times. It was exhausting to go to the gym, because of all the mental energy it took to motivate myself and to motivate him. Why do I always have to do it all the time?

Saying of the Day....Because it's Friday!!!

Communication is the Key...

As I have mentioned before, two of my friends are going through a divorce together. I spent time and received the story of the husband view. I've been waiting for the wife to mention her side and it finally happened today. She lives on the other side of the state from me and is very, very busy all the time. So, I didn't really get to speak with her in person, but rather through Facebook. Their stories seemed to match except for one key aspect: it seemed like something was lacking in the communication department.

The husband's point of view was that he was very unhappy because the wife wouldn't let him hang out with his friends and she wasn't very supportive of the new "hobby" he had taken in. According to him, she was forcing him away from the things that made him happy.

The wife's point of view is that he was very depressed and he refused to be treated. Also, he wanted to do his new "hobby" more than he wanted to be with her. 

It may have just been that I was able to get more details from the husband because I got to hang out with him in person and not enough details from the wife because I talked to her over Facebook. But it did seem like there was some kind of disconnect in what each one of them thought. She was saying he was depressed, while he was saying why he was depressed. It could be that she didn't realize what she was doing, or she didn't want to tell me everything that was going on. I mean really, it's none of my business, so I don't fully blame her. It was one or both was not listening or one or both was not talking. They are both blaming each other for the termination of the relationship. When, I think, the lack of communication from both of them is really to blame. Now I'm not saying that this was their only problem. There was a lot going on, some that I am completely unaware of. But through observing, listening and analyzing what I do know, I can conclude that their lack of communication was partially to blame.

Communication is the only way, not only relationships can survive, but it's sort of how the world functions properly. Think about it this way: if cars didn't have break lights or turn signals, there would be more accidents.  If the couple in a relationship don't use communication to let each other know which way they are going, there are going to be more bumps, crashes, and accidents.

To my husband: Thank you!

The Weekend of Solutions

I was able to speak with my husband seriously about my loneliness this weekend. I believe I was having a big freak out about it because it was mid-week. When it comes to work, taking care of the home, spending time with the kitten and relaxing, there isn't much time to see and spend time with my husband. Saturday came and we spent the entire day together. Sure, we were also with a mutual friend, who needed some support with the end of his marriage, and my family but we got to spend time together, talking. My husband agreed that he will try everyday after work, the spend at least 15 minutes with me. That also means that I must try and pay attention to him as well, which in turn, means no watching TV. I am a total TV junkie. So, if I am bored or if a TV just happens to be on, I will watch for hours. I know super horrible for my health.

Well that's something we are trying to rectify as well. A couple of years ago, we got a gym membership to one of the best gyms I have ever been to. The only problem with it, at this point, is that everyone else thinks it's the best gym as well. It is always crowded, and we spend a lot of time complaining and stressing out because of it. It has become so stressful to go, that we just don't want to wake up early or spend time after work to do so. Since then, I have gained 10 lbs. Now that's not a lot, considering that it only brings me to 130 lbs, but I am really freaking out about it. I'm not fitting in any of my jeans and I feel FAT! Now you would probably see me and, like most of my friends, think that it would be absolutely impossible for me to be fat but this is coming from a woman, who in college, was only 115lbs and was feeling good (not great, but good). That being said, we are cancelling our gym membership and investing in a treadmill. I mean all we really want to be is home anyways and I would be able to watch what I want while I am on the treadmill. I feel like such a genius! I know what to do to stop being fat, to be able to lose the baby weight after having kids some day. I know it's not a new idea, but I feel it's the best one that's been made in a while (since I bought my new car in October 2011). 

I think I need more friends....

I know... very sad. But its not like I don't have any friends... they are just scattered throughout the state of New Hampshire and have their own lives and busy schedules. Okay, I think I need to fill you in on why I think I may need more friends.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit lonely. I am at home with my husband and my kitten but both of them are off doing their own thing. I mean really I can't really count on a kitten to keep me company. I haven't been able get my husbands attention for what feels like weeks. He goes through these phases where his best man and him meet up on xbox live and play videogames together. Now, I have nothing against my husband doing this by any means. I just miss my husband. I've told him this but then I also tell him that I don't want to be that naggy demanding wife that makes her husband do everything she wants him to do and he never gets to do what he wants to. I will sometimes go over and watch him play. But even this becomes taxing when I feel like I'm competing with his friend for his ear (thanks to whoever invented mic headsets). The only game I will play with him is Halo, but he's always playing COD. I don't really have good hand-eye coordination and am therefore, not very good at videogames. So I'm doing what I can to spend time with him, but it just doesn't seem like I'm with him. I'm just bummed, lonely, and am sick of going to bed alone. I don't know... maybe having more friends won't cure that... but I feel it would at least keep my mind off of it a little bit.

Boy, I feel pathetic.

A Little Double Tap... and a Sad Story

I ended up calling my doctor about my medication. Apparently, this is the strongest drugs they have until they resort to what they called "disease altering drugs", which kind of made me cringe. I'm not sure what they mean by "disease altering drugs" but they mentioned that the drugs require more monitoring. This means more doctor visits, more tests, more money leaving my bank account. For now, they double my dosage, which is common and I've been doing pretty well. I am also trying to do at least a little bit of yoga each day as well and possibly thinking about investing in a treadmill. We just don't make it part of our schedule to go to the gym. Our gym is a wonderful gym and our other family members are jealous that they can not be members, but they also get to spend more time at home than we usually do. My husband and I enjoy our home very much and with our busy schedules, we just don't get to spend a lot of time there. So, it's not official yet, but we are considering cancelling our membership.

In other news, I must share the story of this wonderful girl named Amelia. I saw her story while perusing the Yahoo! news article slideshow they have on their front page. The little girl is "mentally retarded" with a disease called Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. Now I do not know much about this syndrome but it turns out that she is in need of a kidney transplant and the hospital she visits, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, refuses to perform the transplant due to her disability. Please, do this little girl a favor and read her story. She seems wonderful and deserves to have a future. You may read a little story about her here and here. As promised, I will continue to share her story and keep Amelia and her family in my prayers.

Being Broken Blows

Okay, so I'm not really broken, but it sure feels it sometimes. I have arthritis in my sacroiliac joint, right hip, and left clavicle. I've had this disease since I was 20-ish years old. I am just barely starting to get treatment for it. I have been put on multiple different kinds of medications, which is very much common for someone with arthritis. I have been put on indomethicin (gave me horrible stomach pains), naproxen (only helped my SI joint and hip but not my clavicle) and now I am on Celebrex. So far, it's not too amazing. I don't have any side effects, but it's not taking care of the pain like it should. I am debating calling my Rheumatologist tomorrow and letting her know that it's not quite working and see if there is some other medication she can prescribe me over the phone. I have an appointment in February for a follow up on the Celebrex, but I don't know if I should wait this long or not.

I guess here is my problem: it's winter, 10 degrees out, and I'm lazy. I don't know if I am in pain because the medication isn't working or because I sit on my rump all day. My husband just bought me an official yoga mat (before I bought this one dollar foam pad which was, well, cheap!) so I am trying to keep up with doing yoga. It's just hard coming home to a cold house after work and just wanting to be wrapped up in a warm blanket to watch some TV. So what should I do? Is the pain never going to be fully gone? Or is the medication supposed to make it like I never had arthritis to begin with? People I talk to that have arthritis talk about their medication like it's a god send. A miracle that they would never ever be able to live without. Are they also sitting on their butts all day or do they keep themselves very very active? I really wish I had someone close I could talk to about this kind of thing. Everyone I know who has arthritis (i.e. my manager's husband, my dentist's husband) isn't exactly close enough to me for me to ask nitty gritty details. It's frustrating feeling like I have to figure this whole disease out on my own. Goodness, I hate the word disease! I feel like it makes me sound like I'm going to die a tragic, painful death! I guess I'm not really going to be able to catch a break with this one. Lost and broken... not exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

The Kindness of Strangers

So as you know, I have been attending workshops all week this week. Wednesday was my longest haul. I had to drive to Bedford to be there at 7:00AM. I'm not very good at driving in the dark, so naturally I got lost when the GPS fell off of the windshield. Nevertheless, I still got there 45 minutes before my manager did. The day ran smoothly and I ended up leaving to go back to HQ a little later than I usually do, thanks to having to cancel today's workshop due to the snow. Ever since we arrived at the workshop, there was one man who was a tremendous help. I mean, it was his job to do whatever we wanted him to do, but we didn't even have to ask him! He not only helped us unload but he kept reminding me to eat something, since there was the catered food right there anyways. He even noticed when I had not left yet, since we told him I was going to be leaving roughly 9:00-ish. Come 10:30, I was still there and he insisted that I order something for lunch. I put in my order and informed him that I still wasn't sure if I was going to be here for lunch. He just informed me back that we would figure something out. As I was helping my manager back up left over materials, the receptionist had told me that she was instructed by this man to not let me leave without my lunch. I couldn't help but think how sweet that was of him to ensure that I receive my lunch. It made me think that there was definitely someone out there looking out for me, especially since I hadn't had the time to pack a lunch that day. I hadn't even told anyone that I didn't have a lunch that day. That being said: I thank you, Gary! Thank you for making sure I had food to eat!

You are a great husband - just a lousy housekeeper

Lately my husband and I have been arguing quite often regarding housework. He gets upset at me because I keep "giving him orders". Maybe that shouldn't be in quotes, I do give him orders. I get upset at him because he doesn't follow my orders. I know, I know. Who the hell am I? I mean the guy works all day taking orders from his manager and then has to come home to his wife twitching about the house not being clean. I spoke with one of my coworkers about it. I know I am not the only wife who does this but apparently she isn't one of them. She works a full time job, takes care of her daughter, cooks, cleans, does laundry, washes dishes - the whole nine yards. Now, this lady is not one of those exhausted, I-can't-take-it-anymore! wives. She is the happiest, kindest, most understanding person I know. I just don't understand how she does it. Anyways, I explained the arguments I was having to her and she said it very simply: I work a full time job too. I shouldn't necessary turn my home into a Nazi camp and make my husband cater to my every whim, but he needs to help out as well.

After thinking about this I came to a likely conclusion: a clean house is nice, but a happy marriage is even better! My husband is not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. We just have to accept each other for who we are, clean house or dirty!!

Horray!!

Today was a good day. I did something I have never done before and was relatively successful at it. Not to mention barely any panic!! I have to attend workshops all over the state for my job to help with set up all week. Today I went to Concord. I grew up in Concord, so it wasn't that big of a deal. It was the drive to work after setting up that I was worried about. I knew how to drive from my home to Concord, but I was missing chunks of directions to Dover to continue the working day. I had borrowed the in-laws GPS but it kept telling me weird ways to go. I knew part of the way so I just went the way I was supposed to go. Then the chunks of missing information came into play. Surprisingly, I did not need the GPS. I somehow recognized the names of certain roads. I seem so doubtful and surprised about the recognition because I'm usually awful about that. Anyway, I got back to work and found this on Google+ and thought it described my day perfectly.

Why can't I just wing it with anything?

2:00 pm - At work today, I was instructed to help out one of the Program Managers in a different department set up for  a meeting. That meant making coffee (mind you I am not a coffee drinker and therefore, didn't know how to make coffee), setting up lunch, cleaning up after lunch and then cleaning up the coffee before I left for the day. This is the one of the typical tasks as a Program Assistant. Career wise, I want to be an assistant so I figured this was a good opportunity for me to learn. The coffee thing at the beginning of the day was fine. Only panicked twice: once when the coffee filter was dripping all over the floor on its way to the trash can, second when I couldn't tell if there was enough coffee in the carafe. Setting up lunch wasn't bad either. The Program Manager helped out a bit so I wasn't completely lost. Cleaning up after lunch, however, panic really set in. I thought it was simple enough, but no one told me what to do with the food afterwards. My first idea was, well, put it all in the refrigerator. Makes sense. I opened the fridge and it was almost full already. What the hell?! I thought. Well, I put what I could in the fridge, the important, expensive stuff like the the left over sandwiches. I mostly fit everything in the fridge, except the fruit, which is now sitting on my desk. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just figure it out without someone telling me what to do? What is wrong with me?! Why can't I just do something without feeling like it's wrong?

5:30 pm - After the fact, I was fine. I just threw away the left over fruit. The reason why I didn't throw it away to begin with is because I thought I would get in trouble for throwing away perfectly good food. In reality, there really wasn't much left to begin with and it wasn't like I threw out all of the food. Nobody even noticed that it was gone. For all they knew, there were no leftovers.  I guess I just felt guilty for throwing out more than a handful of fruit when I found room to store 2 spear pickles. 

I always wanted to write down what was going on through my head when I had one of my panic episodes. Now, I think this isn't exactly a normal thinking process for someone to have. What really was the point to all of my panic? The worst that could have happened was that I would have been disciplined for making the wrong decision. What's so wrong with that? I feel like I need a therapist, like to explain to me that the reason why I am this way is because of some repressed childhood memory of me seeing how scary being disciplined is. Why, oh why do I feel this is something I can blame on my dad?

Public Wedding Proposals - What's the big deal?

I don't know if I've just been under a rock or what, but since when has it been such an agreed upon opinion that public wedding proposals are the worst way to start a marriage? What's with critical judgement as of late? It's everywhere!! They (meaning people commenting on news articles and Goggle+) seem to think that it puts more pressure on the woman to say yes. I say, if the woman can't say no when she doesn't want to get married, it's her own damn fault for not standing up for herself. I saw a video on Yahoo! the other day of a man proposing to his girlfriend in front of an entire stadium full of basketball fans. She said no and walked away. In fact, I think she ran. What's wrong with that!? Commenters mentioned how embarrassing it was for her. I would say that if it were me saying no, I personally would not feel embarrassed. I would feel embarrassed for the man expressing his love for me when I apparently didn't feel the same way, but not for standing up for myself.

I grew up watching the typical 90's sitcoms and after school specials. All throughout the media, women were declaring that they preferred a public proposal so that every one would be able to witness their love. I would thinks about what my idea of the perfect proposal would be. For me, a private proposal was ideal not because of the extra pressure or embarrassment it presented, but because I don't like a lot of attention shined on me. My perfect proposal did not happen, nor does it usually happen, but it was fine. I would have wanted to be at the beach during sunset/rise for my boyfriend to pop the question. Sounds romantic doesn't it!

Well, here is how it really happened: it was February 13th. My boyfriend had already graduated college, so he was back home living with his parents. He had come to visit for Valentines day and our 3 year anniversary. It was close to 10:30 or 11:00 at night. I was tired from spending the entire night studying for an exam I had the following day. I became tired and decided that I had to go to bed. I was finished with studying and determined that if I didn't know the material by then, I was never going to know it. My boyfriend and I squeezed into my closet size room and got ready for bed. While changing into my pajamas, I turned around to see my boyfriend down on one knee. I almost rolled my eyes and giggled a little because he joked around like that all the time. Then I saw the ring we both spotted at the jewelry store several months ago. The only difference is that he had put a bigger diamond in it. He was all shaky and asked me to marry him. I started jumping up and down and allowed him to put the ring on my finger. We hugged and then he said: "you didn't answer". That's when the eye roll occurred. I told him I would and then we stayed up all night snuggling and talking. Surprisingly, I had gotten every question correct on that test I was studying for and we've been happily married for 2 years (3 years on June 13th)!

I don't think men should completely stray from public proposals by any means. I just say that they need to read their women, discover whether she prefers the attention or not. Maybe that is whats wrong with some of the relationships in the world today. People don't communicate enough, people don't pay enough attention to the little details and their relationships suffer for it. The increased divorce rate is proof that something is going wrong. However, that is a whole other conversation for another time.

To start you off...

Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I do, every waking hour of my day. First off, I feel as tho I live several lives.

I have my work life. That is split into two sections: boredom and panic. Bored when I don't have anything to do and panic when I have something to do that I'm not fully keen on how to do. The only scent of reassurance there is that it's temporary, since I haven't been able to find a full time permanent job since I graduated in 2008.

Then I have my home life. The best part of my life! I live in a small town that you wouldn't know was separate from the towns around it if it weren't for the town line markers. I have been blessed with a wonderful 3 bedroom, 2 bath above ground cape that my wonderful husband worked so hard to purchase. We have no children yet, tho if feels like we live with a toddler with our little one year old kitten running around causing havoc, reaping every moment begging for my attention.

Last but not by any means least, my family life. Now by this I am not talking about my husband and I, we already covered that. I am talking about my dad and three sisters. My mom, who kept order amongst our home, passed away when I was 15. I am the second oldest who feels like she needs to be completely involved in each and every one of their lives or their lives will fall apart. This, in turn, will cause my life to fall apart by means of the slippery slope theorem. They will somehow lose the ability to financially support themselves or make some decision that will completely destroy their lives and then come running to me for help when it's too late. Causing me to bend myself, my husband and what meager finances we have at the time to fix whatever they did, just so they won't be living on the street. Surprisingly, I am not a neurotic mess... most of the time. Let me introduce you to my family:

There is the oldest of the four girls, Nikki. She was born late and tends to be a little slower than others. She often comes to me with weird questions about topics she should already have a grasp on at her age. I don't hold it against her one bit. I just try to explain it to her in a way that she could understand. Nikki lives away from home with whatever boyfriend she seems to have at the time. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but none of us can really afford to take her in. She's had a rough time with relationships and may not have a healthy view of how they work. Which kind of makes her an easy target, but hey, she hasn't been too much of a burden yet. Just a sense of worry in the back of my mind.

Next is Crystal, the third born. She started out as a major headache, but has grown up enough to where acceptance and worry is the only burden. I feel as though I have to teach her how to do life. I know this sounds controlling and a bit excessive compulsive, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. For example, I have been lately trying to teach her how to set up her own sleep schedule. This I feel should have learned by as a teenager. Crystal can't seem to realize that, when you wake up at 2PM, chances are you will probably not be able to fall asleep at 11PM. Little problems like that. She has grown up quite nicely though. She has been through a tough relationship that wasn't hard in a sense that they fought everyday. This relationship tore her from her family and made her think that we just didn't want her to be happy. She has, since then, departed from that relationship, started another one and moved into her first apartment. She is a worry because she has mentioned over Facebook that she may need a second job, and that she doesn't feel safe in her apartment because she lives next to a bar in a bad part of town. I am scared for her... but there is nothing I can really do for her but offer advice considering she moved so far from home.

Amber is the baby of the family. She is still in college and has had her share of bad roommates, like most college students. She is the one sister who is most like me, though she has her own taste about everything. She just  has more of the similar common sense. Amber has also had her share of tough relationships. Her first boyfriend betrayed her and this second boyfriend never has the time to see her due to several factors. He is constantly working, he was issued a restraining order from Amber's landlord (long story short: her landlord is childish), and if he's not working, he's taking care of his two children. My only concern for her is graduating college and finding a job.

Last but not least there is my dad. In 2011, my dad got evicted from the apartment that he raised all four of his children in, got laid off and is now in the process of suing the landlord. My fear for him is that he is going to lose everything and will have no where to go but my house. This wouldn't be an issue if my dad was trying everything he could to stay on his own two feet, but he's not. He decided to sue his landlord through advise that he received from his deadbeat "disabled" friend and his friend's wife. Well, now his friend is slowly dying and is unable to represent my dad in court. And take a wild guess as to now who has to be the backbone of this operation?? You guessed it! Me... my sisters are supposed to help too but they aren't as confident as I am. Jerks don't scare me as much and I can voice my opinion better than they can. I don't blame them, I've had more practice. Taking care of his dying friend, forking money over to him like he has an endless supply and the lawsuit has completely consumed my dad's life. He is not looking for a job. He claims that he wants to retire. Well, who doesn't want to retire? I want to retire and I'm only 25! Working is a part of life. It is the only way to survive in a world full of the greedy and coldhearted. My dad is convinced that he is somehow going to win this lawsuit and then be set for life. Most people would tell me: " Relax Sarah! What can you do? You have plenty of space in your home. Just have him live there". Yea right! The last time my dad came over, we nearly tore each others faces off. I have grown up. I have my own opinion and it almost always clashes with my dads. He has reverted to acting like a teenage boy. Gawking at women while walking through the grocery store, claiming how rebellious he is feeling, during church. Not to mention his filter has somehow broke. He voices too much of what's going on in his head. I can't have him living in my home. Not to mention I don't want to be the one funding his "retirement". He's only around 54 years old. What am I to do?

So now that the background has been established, back to my original thought: Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I feel like I am living this really horrible dramatic life: thanks to the boredom and panic at work, and my family drama. Then I take a step back. I have a warm home, plenty of food, a loving husband and curious kitty who's always ready to entertain. What more do I need right? If I worry all the time, I am only doing more harm than good. How do I get myself to stop worrying? to stop panicking? My husband is a natural worrier as well, so when one of us starts to worry about everything, we both get worried.

Alright, that's it! I am typically not one for New Year's Resolutions but I think I should try one this year. My resolution is that I am going to stop worrying about everything. Admit that there is nothing I can do to change a situation. To offer my help when I can without bending myself in six different directions. I, Sarah G. can do this!!!