My Poor Daisy...

Around Easter, we started noticing little Miss Daisy doing something really weird. She would act like her hind leg was not functioning properly. It would only be for a couple seconds and then she would go back to her normal self, running and jumping all over the place. Worried, we decided to have the vet take a look at her. We found out that she was born with something called Patella Luxation. This is when the kneecap slips out of where it is supposed to be. It is in it's early stages at the moment so we don't have to do anything about it right now. If we notice it starting to get worse, we will need to bring her in and they will have to perform patella reconstruction. She has the condition in both hind legs which creates a bit of stress on the wallet with the surgery being a $1200 per leg wallop. Figuring that it isn't hindering her way of living at the moment, we are deciding to wait until it gets worse and save up money.

I gotta say thing though... if she didn't love her so much, her with her unique personality and all, we probably wouldn't even consider this surgery. She is completely irreplaceable and we will never, ever find another cat like her... so I guess I can sacrifice a vacation so our baby can run and prance around without any pain.

So Far, So Good

Everything seems to be calming down at the moment. We are all stopping the whole passive-aggressive thing that was creating the drama. My dad is still beside himself that we all feel the way that we do about the direction his life is going, and that his daughters are actually trying to be independent in this crazy world. I'm slowly developing a social life again with co-workers and neighbors.

My sister mentioned to me that she would like to hop onto the healthy-train as well. I suggested to her that we be "healthy buddies". Now, I know that sounds cheesy, but I think she doesn't want this to feel like she is doing this just to lose weight, but rather to be healthy and happy. We know have a blog (www.tradethisforthat@wordpress.com) that we are going to blogging our efforts to each other and be able to brag about our successes and feel something other than guilt for our failures. A competition, if you would, on which one of us can be the healthiest. Hopefully this will be the motivation that I am so obviously desperate for.

Whether it be family drama or being healthy, life is so hard. Right now, everything is going well though I am sure that this will change in no time. But for the time being, I think I would just like to say: So far, so good!

Am I bald yet?

My sister and her boyfriend came over last night. They are staying the weekend at our place. After playing a round of Word with Friends, we started talking about the troubles we are having with my dad. Apparently, he is getting himself in deep by listening to the wife of his late-friend. I don't really want to get into everything that is driving my sisters and I to pulling out our hair, but I can't help but think... am I bald yet??

Out of my entire family, my husband and I are the most secure. The oldest has social anxiety pretty bad and is lucky enough to hold a job at Market Basket. The third-born is extremely proud to be in the maintenance crew at Hannaford. The baby of the family is still in college waiting for her chance to take a stab at life. My dad is infamously unemployed to which he spends all of his time with the "disabled" wife of his dead friend.

I don't know how to get rid of this ugly feeling that my dad's life is going to create a domino effect and cause the lives of his 4 daughters to crash and burn along with his. He is becoming more paranoid, more pessimistic and sour towards the world. Now don't get me wrong he was always pretty sour but it seems to have gotten progressively worse. After moving out of my father's house, I noticed how bitter I was towards the entire world. Since then, I have tried very, very hard to make the best of life. What's the point of life if you go through it entirely unhappy? So I've made the decision to just be happy and it's been wonderful! However, my dad is unknowingly threatening to destroy this.

What does one do when a loved one is changing into a person you don't want to be around? What does one do when they can't seem to do anything to change it? I already lost my mom... I don't want to lose my dad as well! I still need him! I will always need him!!!!

Resetting Goals

All is well again. I was able to get new arthritis medication communicating strictly through voicemails alone with my rheumatologist's assistant. I was scared originally because a lot of people reported having some really bad side effects with it. So far, all is good. The pain and swelling is still there but the medication did say that it could take up to 2 weeks for the medicine to take effect. Figures!

In other news, my husband and I are back to working on toning up for our August trip. We stopped for a little while due to laziness (another bad habit we have to break). To hopefully help this along, I have decided to make some goals that aren't as vague:

• Exercise for 25 minutes 3 times a week
• Have some form of vegetable and/or fruit everyday
• Limit carbs consumed. This means only 1-2 pieces of bread with dinner and 3/4 the original portion size for pasta. I plan to eventually half it, but I really, really like pasta...and bread!

I think those are good for now. Let's try this for one week and see if we will be able to increase it to two weeks, one month, three months, six months then a year.


Wish me luck!!!

The Problem with Doctors

Recently, I have been having trouble with my arthritis. I went to see my rheumatologist on February 14th and reported no trouble at all. Everything was going nicely with my medication and I couldn't had been happier. So, my doctor scheduled me an appointment for 6 months from then. About a week ago, it seems that my arthritis wasn't taking to the medication as nicely as before.

Since I don't remember if I have mentioned this before, I was diagnosed last year with Psoriatic Arthritis in my SI joint and sternoclavicular joint. I have had x-rays to confirm the inflammation in my SI joint, but no tests were done for the sternoclavicular joint. At my first appointment, I was asked if I had any other pain besides the SI joint and that's when I pointed out the noticeable swelling and explained the on and off pain. I informed my rheumatologist that my primary care doctor thought it was costacondritis, for which nothing could be done for and it was left at that. Without doing any tests, my rheumatologist diagnosed me with arthritis in my sternoclavicular joint as well since the swelling was way too high to be costacondritis.

Back to the story... since a week ago, I have had on-again, off-again pain in the sternoclavicular joint. Doing what I have been told, I called my rheumatologist yesterday morning. I explained what was going on to the receptionist and she forwarded me to my rheumatologist's assistant, who I have met but never called before. Not only did the phone not ring and go straight to his voicemail, but I have not received a call back yet! I called twice and haven't heard a word back. What's the deal!? I am in pain here and it is very much affecting my posture! I don't know what to do. I have spoken with my NH manager about this and she thinks I should just go to the office and demand to speak with someone. She's pushy like that, which makes her a great mother and great manager. I am very passive aggressive, which is why I am only an assistant. I am beyond frustrated and I don't understand why people can't do their jobs.

Loving the New Job!!

I have got to say... I am really loving this new job. Not necessarily in a I-will-even-come-in-weekends kind of a way but more in a I-don't-dread-going-to-work-everyday. My coworkers are awesome! and the decorating of my cubical is coming along nicely. I don't know what I am going to do without the flower that my NH manager gave to me, but its coming along nicely. I really wonder when I am going to be getting my security badge though... I can't really get in or out of the building without it (unless the receptionist is around).

Fear of Mistakes and Nervousness

With my new job (background check still pending) I am encountering a bunch of new experiences that I feel I should be able to do by now. For instance, tomorrow I have to take notes at an important NH Management Meeting and at a  ME weekly conference call. It doesn't sound like a hard task, but I have never been very good at taking notes. I am beyond nervous about it. I've never taken notes for anything other than a class before. My NH manager is great though. She wants to be able to help me do the best I can do. I met with her today about the task and she tried to provide me with useful tips on how I could go about doing it. Being from a generation who grew up practically engulfed in technology, I don't take notes by hand too well. My NH manager got me a laptop rental so that I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Unfortunately, my only worry at this point would be that I am not going to be able to speak up, that I am going to miss something important, and that I am going to lose my focus and stop listening. I've been doing that a lot lately and I can't seem to shake it. I am very much a quiet person by nature and it's hard for me to speak up in front of a group of people and draw attention to me. My NH manager has reassured me that she usually has a pretty good memory and she will do her best to go over notes with me afterwards. However, my ME manager hasn't been too forgiving...I think. I am unaware of what she expects of me entirely. She is aware that I am not going to be able to make sense of much, since I am so new to everything. This meeting I am going to have to write everything out by hand. I don't know how to ease my mind about this... any of it. I've even Google'd how to take notes, to see if there were any tricks to it. My problem is that I am mortified of making a mistake, always have been. I take making a mistake so hard, I beat myself up for it, though I know I shouldn't. Mistakes are how we learn, or at least that is what I have been told.

Minor Setback

These past couple of days has presented some setbacks for my husband and I in the fitness department. Towards the middle of last week, my husband came home from work with a fever. After a couple of days of recovery, he's mostly back to normal. Obviously, he wasn't able to hope onto the treadmill so he hasn't gotten very far. Then, I got sick. -_- I was NOT happy! Since I am starting the training for my new job, I can't afford to get sick. There is a lot of information I need to be able to absorb and I am not able to absorb it if I am full of mucus. In effort to bounce back as quickly as possible,  I spent as much time this passed weekend resting. Monday rolls around and I am doing better, but my head is still unable to focus and breathing can be difficult if I overexert myself. Figures!

The Worst is Behind Me?

After my twenty minutes on the treadmill last night, I felt pretty good. For once I wanted to keep on working out. Not necessarily on the treadmill, but I wanted to keep moving. I know keeping a routine will still be pretty hard, but I want to think that the worst is behind me. The hardest part of getting back on the fitness wagon, that largest leap of sweat and tears, is in the past. I know that I can do this and, with the cruise to the Caribbean coming up in August, I am ready to shed off my winter fat and look amazing in my VS bathing suit again!

The Great Debate

So almost everyone that knows me knows that ever since I got married, I have been very eager to start a family. I was also bound and determined to be a stay at home mom. At first, we didn't because we weren't ready. We wanted to have fun before we tied ourselves down. Once we decided we were ready, it became a financial concern. I was unemployed with virtually no employable skills. Now that I have a job and it isn't a financial concern, we have planned for waiting a couple years (it's not fair for them to put all this time to train me then I leave because I have a child). Now, I am questioning whether or not I should stay at home. All of these years of not being able to find a job, I finally have one and I want to give it up after a couple years? It just doesn't make logical sense to me. The whole reason why I wanted to be a SAHM was because I wanted to focus on my child. I wanted on focus on teaching them everything I could about the world. I didn't want someone I hardly knew doing that. Now, I know plenty of working moms who do a great job with their children. I know that it is possible to have a job and teach your child at the same time. I just feel I would do a better job if I were able to focus solely on them. I know I really shouldn't be concerning myself with this right now, it's not like it's happening 9 months from now. The thoughts just go through my head constantly, and I don't know how to put them to rest.

I guess a way I could approach this is like this: being a mom means that you have to be completely selfless. You have to think of what would be best for your child, not necessarily yourself. I want to have a career, but I want to do everything I could for my child. I feel I can't succeed at both. I guess I have to do what is best for my child, not for me.

It's Always Hardest at the Beginning

My husband and I started our quest towards fitness yesterday. We both did 20 minutes on the new treadmill. It was very disappointing for me because I am in worse shape than I thought. After 20 minutes, I was exhausted! I wanted to go for longer, but couldn't due to pain occurring in my hip. It's going to take some time, I guess, to be able to do 30 minutes. We took our "motivation pictures". These are going to be pictures of ourselves that we use as motivation. We wear as little clothing as possible (my husband in athletic shorts and myself in shorts and an athletic bra) and see how we improve. We refuse to use a scale unless we are at a doctor's office. The number can be deceiving if you are doing both cardio and weight training. Since we won't be using a scale we need one way to measure our improvement, hence, the pictures. I was shocked at my picture. I looked horrible! I couldn't believe that I still wore my VS bikini in public! I will get back into my bikini body!!

The Right Place at the Right Time

A little while back in August 2011, I was told that I would be a competitive candidate for a Program Assistant position by my supervisor. I had applied to the only opening at the time and was one of only two people that were being interviewed. The only problem being that the other candidate was a temp working in the same department that the position was hiring for. I looked great, felt great, had a super awesome interview but realized that since the people hiring already knew and loved the other candidate, I had no chance. Sure enough the position was given to the other temp and, to make myself  feel better about it, determined that I was just not in the right place at the right time. Since then, everyone that I have worked with within the company has been looking out for me. They've been recommending me for temporary and permanent positions throughout the company. I have been working steadily thanks to them for almost a year.

Well, today my perseverance finally paid off. One of the Program Assistants within the department I am temping for has resigned. What this means is simple, as complicated as it may sound. The lady that I am filling in for right now is on maternity leave. When she comes back, she will resuming the position of the lady who resigned. That, in turn, leaves an open Program Assistant position, the position that I am currently in. Guess who they really (and, apparently, I mean REALLY) want to continue in that position??? [points to self while jumping up and down!!]

This was totally unexpected! So unexpected that I remember laying in bed with my husband only a couple days or so ago and discussing how much I would really love to have this position because I love working with the people I am working with. I remember discussing with my husband about how I just wasn't at the right place at the right time when it came to the NECAP position. God didn't want me there apparently, he wants me here and this is where I am to be.

Progress

My husband is doing a little better with the weight loss thing. We still aren't very active and we still haven't gone to the gym but he is trying to think of way to make it easier for us to eat healthier (minus buying candy at the shoe store). I know, it's only been one day, give him/us time. Last night, we had a stir fry for dinner. I love using fresh vegetables, but I had to face the facts: I don't yet have the discipline to stick to eating vegetables for dinner twice a week if I have to cut up fresh vegetables every time. So, I thought maybe we could try frozen vegetables. I would grab a handful of each vegetables and throw it in. Pete thought of a way to make it even more efficient. Put together a meal size serving into a freezer bag, repeat that a couple times. His thought is that if we don't even have to think about the meal, if all we have to do is grab one bag and dump it into a pan, we will be more likely to do it.

I also took one more step towards getting ready to lose weight. I bought myself some new sneaks! My current pairs were sad...very, very sad. My white and pink New Balance shoes were losing the soles. I don't blame them for coming loose, I've owned them for close to 5 years and I bought them pre-owned. They are officially my yard work/painting/grungy shoes. My second pair were just too small for my feet. I bought them knowing they were too small, but I couldn't help it. I thought maybe I could stretch them out...yea, no. Those would be my black Pumas. I've wanted a pair ever since middle school but they were just too expensive. They were on sale for $20!!! Just poor timing for my feet... oh well! My newest pair are some white and purple Saucony's. See here. They feel amazing on my feet... I just don't like the purple. I wanted a similar pair (just grey and blue; sorry I am unable to find a picture) but they didn't have my size. They had my size, just not in Wide. "Darn my fat feet!": I consistently say while shoe shopping. My husband even tried to make light of the situation saying something like "Geez! Glasses, arthritis AND wide feet!? I think we need to send you back to the factory. You're broken!" Luckily, I did find that funny, mainly because I do feel broken a lot. Or at least more broken than I should at my age.

Frustration Leading to Sadness

I was expecting to get our treadmill this past weekend. Ever since my husband received the pamphlet with the dimensions of the box, he was convinced that he would be able to fit in the back of the Honda Fit. I wasn't so sure. After deciding that we were going to go for the Livestrong LS 8.0T, Pete kept going on and on about how he knew it would fit. I insisted on him measuring with all possible space available. He measured and all though there still wasn't enough space, he was still convinced. I refused to purchase it until took something solid to measure the length (a measuring tape can bend in a way that a box can't) and convince me that without any problems it will fit. I told him everyday after work that he should try doing that. Convince me! Then Friday night, he found a piece of strapping that was the same length as the treadmill. He looks at it and finally says "Ya know what? I don't think it's going to fit." .... really? You think?! I don't understand why he doesn't listen to me. It's not that he doesn't listen to me all the time, but when he gets something into his head there is no way to get it out. He wasted all this time with a mental picture of how he wanted it to happen that he didn't have time to call a friend or family member to see if they could help us. Now we have to wait another week to get the treadmill. Another week of doing nothing but sit around and get fatter. I am already 130 lbs! I don't need any more fat on me!

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. Pete had broken the news to me that his dad wasn't going to help us with the treadmill until Sunday. I was hoping to get it sometime during the week since his dad works practically down the street from the Dicks Sporting Goods that we are purchasing it from. Then he told me that we have another month of gym membership because we didn't get their early enough to cancel. Pete told me that I shouldn't be upset about his dad because we can still go to the gym. Yea, right... when are we ever going to do that?! There was a reason why we were getting the treadmill. I don't have any motivation after or before work to wait for an available treadmill, I don't exactly feel like putting on a bathing suit (who really wants to see a fatty in a skimpy VS bathing suit anyways) and Pete is too tired after work to help motivate either of us to go. Not to mention that this gym is so unbelievably air conditioned and I freeze just changing in the locker rooms.

Pete said that he is going to help with my eating, make sure I'm eating healthy. I hate to say this but I don't believe him. I'm always the one swatting his hands away from the cookies. I hate feeling that I have to do this weight loss thing on my own. At the gym, I used to have to push Pete, all the time. If I wasn't forcing him to get out of the car and go into the gym, we didn't go. I had to convince him to run, to lift the weight just a couple more times. It was exhausting to go to the gym, because of all the mental energy it took to motivate myself and to motivate him. Why do I always have to do it all the time?

Saying of the Day....Because it's Friday!!!

Communication is the Key...

As I have mentioned before, two of my friends are going through a divorce together. I spent time and received the story of the husband view. I've been waiting for the wife to mention her side and it finally happened today. She lives on the other side of the state from me and is very, very busy all the time. So, I didn't really get to speak with her in person, but rather through Facebook. Their stories seemed to match except for one key aspect: it seemed like something was lacking in the communication department.

The husband's point of view was that he was very unhappy because the wife wouldn't let him hang out with his friends and she wasn't very supportive of the new "hobby" he had taken in. According to him, she was forcing him away from the things that made him happy.

The wife's point of view is that he was very depressed and he refused to be treated. Also, he wanted to do his new "hobby" more than he wanted to be with her. 

It may have just been that I was able to get more details from the husband because I got to hang out with him in person and not enough details from the wife because I talked to her over Facebook. But it did seem like there was some kind of disconnect in what each one of them thought. She was saying he was depressed, while he was saying why he was depressed. It could be that she didn't realize what she was doing, or she didn't want to tell me everything that was going on. I mean really, it's none of my business, so I don't fully blame her. It was one or both was not listening or one or both was not talking. They are both blaming each other for the termination of the relationship. When, I think, the lack of communication from both of them is really to blame. Now I'm not saying that this was their only problem. There was a lot going on, some that I am completely unaware of. But through observing, listening and analyzing what I do know, I can conclude that their lack of communication was partially to blame.

Communication is the only way, not only relationships can survive, but it's sort of how the world functions properly. Think about it this way: if cars didn't have break lights or turn signals, there would be more accidents.  If the couple in a relationship don't use communication to let each other know which way they are going, there are going to be more bumps, crashes, and accidents.

To my husband: Thank you!

The Weekend of Solutions

I was able to speak with my husband seriously about my loneliness this weekend. I believe I was having a big freak out about it because it was mid-week. When it comes to work, taking care of the home, spending time with the kitten and relaxing, there isn't much time to see and spend time with my husband. Saturday came and we spent the entire day together. Sure, we were also with a mutual friend, who needed some support with the end of his marriage, and my family but we got to spend time together, talking. My husband agreed that he will try everyday after work, the spend at least 15 minutes with me. That also means that I must try and pay attention to him as well, which in turn, means no watching TV. I am a total TV junkie. So, if I am bored or if a TV just happens to be on, I will watch for hours. I know super horrible for my health.

Well that's something we are trying to rectify as well. A couple of years ago, we got a gym membership to one of the best gyms I have ever been to. The only problem with it, at this point, is that everyone else thinks it's the best gym as well. It is always crowded, and we spend a lot of time complaining and stressing out because of it. It has become so stressful to go, that we just don't want to wake up early or spend time after work to do so. Since then, I have gained 10 lbs. Now that's not a lot, considering that it only brings me to 130 lbs, but I am really freaking out about it. I'm not fitting in any of my jeans and I feel FAT! Now you would probably see me and, like most of my friends, think that it would be absolutely impossible for me to be fat but this is coming from a woman, who in college, was only 115lbs and was feeling good (not great, but good). That being said, we are cancelling our gym membership and investing in a treadmill. I mean all we really want to be is home anyways and I would be able to watch what I want while I am on the treadmill. I feel like such a genius! I know what to do to stop being fat, to be able to lose the baby weight after having kids some day. I know it's not a new idea, but I feel it's the best one that's been made in a while (since I bought my new car in October 2011). 

I think I need more friends....

I know... very sad. But its not like I don't have any friends... they are just scattered throughout the state of New Hampshire and have their own lives and busy schedules. Okay, I think I need to fill you in on why I think I may need more friends.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit lonely. I am at home with my husband and my kitten but both of them are off doing their own thing. I mean really I can't really count on a kitten to keep me company. I haven't been able get my husbands attention for what feels like weeks. He goes through these phases where his best man and him meet up on xbox live and play videogames together. Now, I have nothing against my husband doing this by any means. I just miss my husband. I've told him this but then I also tell him that I don't want to be that naggy demanding wife that makes her husband do everything she wants him to do and he never gets to do what he wants to. I will sometimes go over and watch him play. But even this becomes taxing when I feel like I'm competing with his friend for his ear (thanks to whoever invented mic headsets). The only game I will play with him is Halo, but he's always playing COD. I don't really have good hand-eye coordination and am therefore, not very good at videogames. So I'm doing what I can to spend time with him, but it just doesn't seem like I'm with him. I'm just bummed, lonely, and am sick of going to bed alone. I don't know... maybe having more friends won't cure that... but I feel it would at least keep my mind off of it a little bit.

Boy, I feel pathetic.

A Little Double Tap... and a Sad Story

I ended up calling my doctor about my medication. Apparently, this is the strongest drugs they have until they resort to what they called "disease altering drugs", which kind of made me cringe. I'm not sure what they mean by "disease altering drugs" but they mentioned that the drugs require more monitoring. This means more doctor visits, more tests, more money leaving my bank account. For now, they double my dosage, which is common and I've been doing pretty well. I am also trying to do at least a little bit of yoga each day as well and possibly thinking about investing in a treadmill. We just don't make it part of our schedule to go to the gym. Our gym is a wonderful gym and our other family members are jealous that they can not be members, but they also get to spend more time at home than we usually do. My husband and I enjoy our home very much and with our busy schedules, we just don't get to spend a lot of time there. So, it's not official yet, but we are considering cancelling our membership.

In other news, I must share the story of this wonderful girl named Amelia. I saw her story while perusing the Yahoo! news article slideshow they have on their front page. The little girl is "mentally retarded" with a disease called Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. Now I do not know much about this syndrome but it turns out that she is in need of a kidney transplant and the hospital she visits, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, refuses to perform the transplant due to her disability. Please, do this little girl a favor and read her story. She seems wonderful and deserves to have a future. You may read a little story about her here and here. As promised, I will continue to share her story and keep Amelia and her family in my prayers.

Being Broken Blows

Okay, so I'm not really broken, but it sure feels it sometimes. I have arthritis in my sacroiliac joint, right hip, and left clavicle. I've had this disease since I was 20-ish years old. I am just barely starting to get treatment for it. I have been put on multiple different kinds of medications, which is very much common for someone with arthritis. I have been put on indomethicin (gave me horrible stomach pains), naproxen (only helped my SI joint and hip but not my clavicle) and now I am on Celebrex. So far, it's not too amazing. I don't have any side effects, but it's not taking care of the pain like it should. I am debating calling my Rheumatologist tomorrow and letting her know that it's not quite working and see if there is some other medication she can prescribe me over the phone. I have an appointment in February for a follow up on the Celebrex, but I don't know if I should wait this long or not.

I guess here is my problem: it's winter, 10 degrees out, and I'm lazy. I don't know if I am in pain because the medication isn't working or because I sit on my rump all day. My husband just bought me an official yoga mat (before I bought this one dollar foam pad which was, well, cheap!) so I am trying to keep up with doing yoga. It's just hard coming home to a cold house after work and just wanting to be wrapped up in a warm blanket to watch some TV. So what should I do? Is the pain never going to be fully gone? Or is the medication supposed to make it like I never had arthritis to begin with? People I talk to that have arthritis talk about their medication like it's a god send. A miracle that they would never ever be able to live without. Are they also sitting on their butts all day or do they keep themselves very very active? I really wish I had someone close I could talk to about this kind of thing. Everyone I know who has arthritis (i.e. my manager's husband, my dentist's husband) isn't exactly close enough to me for me to ask nitty gritty details. It's frustrating feeling like I have to figure this whole disease out on my own. Goodness, I hate the word disease! I feel like it makes me sound like I'm going to die a tragic, painful death! I guess I'm not really going to be able to catch a break with this one. Lost and broken... not exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

The Kindness of Strangers

So as you know, I have been attending workshops all week this week. Wednesday was my longest haul. I had to drive to Bedford to be there at 7:00AM. I'm not very good at driving in the dark, so naturally I got lost when the GPS fell off of the windshield. Nevertheless, I still got there 45 minutes before my manager did. The day ran smoothly and I ended up leaving to go back to HQ a little later than I usually do, thanks to having to cancel today's workshop due to the snow. Ever since we arrived at the workshop, there was one man who was a tremendous help. I mean, it was his job to do whatever we wanted him to do, but we didn't even have to ask him! He not only helped us unload but he kept reminding me to eat something, since there was the catered food right there anyways. He even noticed when I had not left yet, since we told him I was going to be leaving roughly 9:00-ish. Come 10:30, I was still there and he insisted that I order something for lunch. I put in my order and informed him that I still wasn't sure if I was going to be here for lunch. He just informed me back that we would figure something out. As I was helping my manager back up left over materials, the receptionist had told me that she was instructed by this man to not let me leave without my lunch. I couldn't help but think how sweet that was of him to ensure that I receive my lunch. It made me think that there was definitely someone out there looking out for me, especially since I hadn't had the time to pack a lunch that day. I hadn't even told anyone that I didn't have a lunch that day. That being said: I thank you, Gary! Thank you for making sure I had food to eat!

You are a great husband - just a lousy housekeeper

Lately my husband and I have been arguing quite often regarding housework. He gets upset at me because I keep "giving him orders". Maybe that shouldn't be in quotes, I do give him orders. I get upset at him because he doesn't follow my orders. I know, I know. Who the hell am I? I mean the guy works all day taking orders from his manager and then has to come home to his wife twitching about the house not being clean. I spoke with one of my coworkers about it. I know I am not the only wife who does this but apparently she isn't one of them. She works a full time job, takes care of her daughter, cooks, cleans, does laundry, washes dishes - the whole nine yards. Now, this lady is not one of those exhausted, I-can't-take-it-anymore! wives. She is the happiest, kindest, most understanding person I know. I just don't understand how she does it. Anyways, I explained the arguments I was having to her and she said it very simply: I work a full time job too. I shouldn't necessary turn my home into a Nazi camp and make my husband cater to my every whim, but he needs to help out as well.

After thinking about this I came to a likely conclusion: a clean house is nice, but a happy marriage is even better! My husband is not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. We just have to accept each other for who we are, clean house or dirty!!

Horray!!

Today was a good day. I did something I have never done before and was relatively successful at it. Not to mention barely any panic!! I have to attend workshops all over the state for my job to help with set up all week. Today I went to Concord. I grew up in Concord, so it wasn't that big of a deal. It was the drive to work after setting up that I was worried about. I knew how to drive from my home to Concord, but I was missing chunks of directions to Dover to continue the working day. I had borrowed the in-laws GPS but it kept telling me weird ways to go. I knew part of the way so I just went the way I was supposed to go. Then the chunks of missing information came into play. Surprisingly, I did not need the GPS. I somehow recognized the names of certain roads. I seem so doubtful and surprised about the recognition because I'm usually awful about that. Anyway, I got back to work and found this on Google+ and thought it described my day perfectly.

Why can't I just wing it with anything?

2:00 pm - At work today, I was instructed to help out one of the Program Managers in a different department set up for  a meeting. That meant making coffee (mind you I am not a coffee drinker and therefore, didn't know how to make coffee), setting up lunch, cleaning up after lunch and then cleaning up the coffee before I left for the day. This is the one of the typical tasks as a Program Assistant. Career wise, I want to be an assistant so I figured this was a good opportunity for me to learn. The coffee thing at the beginning of the day was fine. Only panicked twice: once when the coffee filter was dripping all over the floor on its way to the trash can, second when I couldn't tell if there was enough coffee in the carafe. Setting up lunch wasn't bad either. The Program Manager helped out a bit so I wasn't completely lost. Cleaning up after lunch, however, panic really set in. I thought it was simple enough, but no one told me what to do with the food afterwards. My first idea was, well, put it all in the refrigerator. Makes sense. I opened the fridge and it was almost full already. What the hell?! I thought. Well, I put what I could in the fridge, the important, expensive stuff like the the left over sandwiches. I mostly fit everything in the fridge, except the fruit, which is now sitting on my desk. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just figure it out without someone telling me what to do? What is wrong with me?! Why can't I just do something without feeling like it's wrong?

5:30 pm - After the fact, I was fine. I just threw away the left over fruit. The reason why I didn't throw it away to begin with is because I thought I would get in trouble for throwing away perfectly good food. In reality, there really wasn't much left to begin with and it wasn't like I threw out all of the food. Nobody even noticed that it was gone. For all they knew, there were no leftovers.  I guess I just felt guilty for throwing out more than a handful of fruit when I found room to store 2 spear pickles. 

I always wanted to write down what was going on through my head when I had one of my panic episodes. Now, I think this isn't exactly a normal thinking process for someone to have. What really was the point to all of my panic? The worst that could have happened was that I would have been disciplined for making the wrong decision. What's so wrong with that? I feel like I need a therapist, like to explain to me that the reason why I am this way is because of some repressed childhood memory of me seeing how scary being disciplined is. Why, oh why do I feel this is something I can blame on my dad?

Public Wedding Proposals - What's the big deal?

I don't know if I've just been under a rock or what, but since when has it been such an agreed upon opinion that public wedding proposals are the worst way to start a marriage? What's with critical judgement as of late? It's everywhere!! They (meaning people commenting on news articles and Goggle+) seem to think that it puts more pressure on the woman to say yes. I say, if the woman can't say no when she doesn't want to get married, it's her own damn fault for not standing up for herself. I saw a video on Yahoo! the other day of a man proposing to his girlfriend in front of an entire stadium full of basketball fans. She said no and walked away. In fact, I think she ran. What's wrong with that!? Commenters mentioned how embarrassing it was for her. I would say that if it were me saying no, I personally would not feel embarrassed. I would feel embarrassed for the man expressing his love for me when I apparently didn't feel the same way, but not for standing up for myself.

I grew up watching the typical 90's sitcoms and after school specials. All throughout the media, women were declaring that they preferred a public proposal so that every one would be able to witness their love. I would thinks about what my idea of the perfect proposal would be. For me, a private proposal was ideal not because of the extra pressure or embarrassment it presented, but because I don't like a lot of attention shined on me. My perfect proposal did not happen, nor does it usually happen, but it was fine. I would have wanted to be at the beach during sunset/rise for my boyfriend to pop the question. Sounds romantic doesn't it!

Well, here is how it really happened: it was February 13th. My boyfriend had already graduated college, so he was back home living with his parents. He had come to visit for Valentines day and our 3 year anniversary. It was close to 10:30 or 11:00 at night. I was tired from spending the entire night studying for an exam I had the following day. I became tired and decided that I had to go to bed. I was finished with studying and determined that if I didn't know the material by then, I was never going to know it. My boyfriend and I squeezed into my closet size room and got ready for bed. While changing into my pajamas, I turned around to see my boyfriend down on one knee. I almost rolled my eyes and giggled a little because he joked around like that all the time. Then I saw the ring we both spotted at the jewelry store several months ago. The only difference is that he had put a bigger diamond in it. He was all shaky and asked me to marry him. I started jumping up and down and allowed him to put the ring on my finger. We hugged and then he said: "you didn't answer". That's when the eye roll occurred. I told him I would and then we stayed up all night snuggling and talking. Surprisingly, I had gotten every question correct on that test I was studying for and we've been happily married for 2 years (3 years on June 13th)!

I don't think men should completely stray from public proposals by any means. I just say that they need to read their women, discover whether she prefers the attention or not. Maybe that is whats wrong with some of the relationships in the world today. People don't communicate enough, people don't pay enough attention to the little details and their relationships suffer for it. The increased divorce rate is proof that something is going wrong. However, that is a whole other conversation for another time.

To start you off...

Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I do, every waking hour of my day. First off, I feel as tho I live several lives.

I have my work life. That is split into two sections: boredom and panic. Bored when I don't have anything to do and panic when I have something to do that I'm not fully keen on how to do. The only scent of reassurance there is that it's temporary, since I haven't been able to find a full time permanent job since I graduated in 2008.

Then I have my home life. The best part of my life! I live in a small town that you wouldn't know was separate from the towns around it if it weren't for the town line markers. I have been blessed with a wonderful 3 bedroom, 2 bath above ground cape that my wonderful husband worked so hard to purchase. We have no children yet, tho if feels like we live with a toddler with our little one year old kitten running around causing havoc, reaping every moment begging for my attention.

Last but not by any means least, my family life. Now by this I am not talking about my husband and I, we already covered that. I am talking about my dad and three sisters. My mom, who kept order amongst our home, passed away when I was 15. I am the second oldest who feels like she needs to be completely involved in each and every one of their lives or their lives will fall apart. This, in turn, will cause my life to fall apart by means of the slippery slope theorem. They will somehow lose the ability to financially support themselves or make some decision that will completely destroy their lives and then come running to me for help when it's too late. Causing me to bend myself, my husband and what meager finances we have at the time to fix whatever they did, just so they won't be living on the street. Surprisingly, I am not a neurotic mess... most of the time. Let me introduce you to my family:

There is the oldest of the four girls, Nikki. She was born late and tends to be a little slower than others. She often comes to me with weird questions about topics she should already have a grasp on at her age. I don't hold it against her one bit. I just try to explain it to her in a way that she could understand. Nikki lives away from home with whatever boyfriend she seems to have at the time. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but none of us can really afford to take her in. She's had a rough time with relationships and may not have a healthy view of how they work. Which kind of makes her an easy target, but hey, she hasn't been too much of a burden yet. Just a sense of worry in the back of my mind.

Next is Crystal, the third born. She started out as a major headache, but has grown up enough to where acceptance and worry is the only burden. I feel as though I have to teach her how to do life. I know this sounds controlling and a bit excessive compulsive, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. For example, I have been lately trying to teach her how to set up her own sleep schedule. This I feel should have learned by as a teenager. Crystal can't seem to realize that, when you wake up at 2PM, chances are you will probably not be able to fall asleep at 11PM. Little problems like that. She has grown up quite nicely though. She has been through a tough relationship that wasn't hard in a sense that they fought everyday. This relationship tore her from her family and made her think that we just didn't want her to be happy. She has, since then, departed from that relationship, started another one and moved into her first apartment. She is a worry because she has mentioned over Facebook that she may need a second job, and that she doesn't feel safe in her apartment because she lives next to a bar in a bad part of town. I am scared for her... but there is nothing I can really do for her but offer advice considering she moved so far from home.

Amber is the baby of the family. She is still in college and has had her share of bad roommates, like most college students. She is the one sister who is most like me, though she has her own taste about everything. She just  has more of the similar common sense. Amber has also had her share of tough relationships. Her first boyfriend betrayed her and this second boyfriend never has the time to see her due to several factors. He is constantly working, he was issued a restraining order from Amber's landlord (long story short: her landlord is childish), and if he's not working, he's taking care of his two children. My only concern for her is graduating college and finding a job.

Last but not least there is my dad. In 2011, my dad got evicted from the apartment that he raised all four of his children in, got laid off and is now in the process of suing the landlord. My fear for him is that he is going to lose everything and will have no where to go but my house. This wouldn't be an issue if my dad was trying everything he could to stay on his own two feet, but he's not. He decided to sue his landlord through advise that he received from his deadbeat "disabled" friend and his friend's wife. Well, now his friend is slowly dying and is unable to represent my dad in court. And take a wild guess as to now who has to be the backbone of this operation?? You guessed it! Me... my sisters are supposed to help too but they aren't as confident as I am. Jerks don't scare me as much and I can voice my opinion better than they can. I don't blame them, I've had more practice. Taking care of his dying friend, forking money over to him like he has an endless supply and the lawsuit has completely consumed my dad's life. He is not looking for a job. He claims that he wants to retire. Well, who doesn't want to retire? I want to retire and I'm only 25! Working is a part of life. It is the only way to survive in a world full of the greedy and coldhearted. My dad is convinced that he is somehow going to win this lawsuit and then be set for life. Most people would tell me: " Relax Sarah! What can you do? You have plenty of space in your home. Just have him live there". Yea right! The last time my dad came over, we nearly tore each others faces off. I have grown up. I have my own opinion and it almost always clashes with my dads. He has reverted to acting like a teenage boy. Gawking at women while walking through the grocery store, claiming how rebellious he is feeling, during church. Not to mention his filter has somehow broke. He voices too much of what's going on in his head. I can't have him living in my home. Not to mention I don't want to be the one funding his "retirement". He's only around 54 years old. What am I to do?

So now that the background has been established, back to my original thought: Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I feel like I am living this really horrible dramatic life: thanks to the boredom and panic at work, and my family drama. Then I take a step back. I have a warm home, plenty of food, a loving husband and curious kitty who's always ready to entertain. What more do I need right? If I worry all the time, I am only doing more harm than good. How do I get myself to stop worrying? to stop panicking? My husband is a natural worrier as well, so when one of us starts to worry about everything, we both get worried.

Alright, that's it! I am typically not one for New Year's Resolutions but I think I should try one this year. My resolution is that I am going to stop worrying about everything. Admit that there is nothing I can do to change a situation. To offer my help when I can without bending myself in six different directions. I, Sarah G. can do this!!!