Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I do, every waking hour of my day. First off, I feel as tho I live several lives.
I have my work life. That is split into two sections: boredom and panic. Bored when I don't have anything to do and panic when I have something to do that I'm not fully keen on how to do. The only scent of reassurance there is that it's temporary, since I haven't been able to find a full time permanent job since I graduated in 2008.
Then I have my home life. The best part of my life! I live in a small town that you wouldn't know was separate from the towns around it if it weren't for the town line markers. I have been blessed with a wonderful 3 bedroom, 2 bath above ground cape that my wonderful husband worked so hard to purchase. We have no children yet, tho if feels like we live with a toddler with our little one year old kitten running around causing havoc, reaping every moment begging for my attention.
Last but not by any means least, my family life. Now by this I am not talking about my husband and I, we already covered that. I am talking about my dad and three sisters. My mom, who kept order amongst our home, passed away when I was 15. I am the second oldest who feels like she needs to be completely involved in each and every one of their lives or their lives will fall apart. This, in turn, will cause my life to fall apart by means of the slippery slope theorem. They will somehow lose the ability to financially support themselves or make some decision that will completely destroy their lives and then come running to me for help when it's too late. Causing me to bend myself, my husband and what meager finances we have at the time to fix whatever they did, just so they won't be living on the street. Surprisingly, I am not a neurotic mess... most of the time. Let me introduce you to my family:
There is the oldest of the four girls, Nikki. She was born late and tends to be a little slower than others. She often comes to me with weird questions about topics she should already have a grasp on at her age. I don't hold it against her one bit. I just try to explain it to her in a way that she could understand. Nikki lives away from home with whatever boyfriend she seems to have at the time. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but none of us can really afford to take her in. She's had a rough time with relationships and may not have a healthy view of how they work. Which kind of makes her an easy target, but hey, she hasn't been too much of a burden yet. Just a sense of worry in the back of my mind.
Next is Crystal, the third born. She started out as a major headache, but has grown up enough to where acceptance and worry is the only burden. I feel as though I have to teach her how to do life. I know this sounds controlling and a bit excessive compulsive, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. For example, I have been lately trying to teach her how to set up her own sleep schedule. This I feel should have learned by as a teenager. Crystal can't seem to realize that, when you wake up at 2PM, chances are you will probably not be able to fall asleep at 11PM. Little problems like that. She has grown up quite nicely though. She has been through a tough relationship that wasn't hard in a sense that they fought everyday. This relationship tore her from her family and made her think that we just didn't want her to be happy. She has, since then, departed from that relationship, started another one and moved into her first apartment. She is a worry because she has mentioned over Facebook that she may need a second job, and that she doesn't feel safe in her apartment because she lives next to a bar in a bad part of town. I am scared for her... but there is nothing I can really do for her but offer advice considering she moved so far from home.
Amber is the baby of the family. She is still in college and has had her share of bad roommates, like most college students. She is the one sister who is most like me, though she has her own taste about everything. She just has more of the similar common sense. Amber has also had her share of tough relationships. Her first boyfriend betrayed her and this second boyfriend never has the time to see her due to several factors. He is constantly working, he was issued a restraining order from Amber's landlord (long story short: her landlord is childish), and if he's not working, he's taking care of his two children. My only concern for her is graduating college and finding a job.
Last but not least there is my dad. In 2011, my dad got evicted from the apartment that he raised all four of his children in, got laid off and is now in the process of suing the landlord. My fear for him is that he is going to lose everything and will have no where to go but my house. This wouldn't be an issue if my dad was trying everything he could to stay on his own two feet, but he's not. He decided to sue his landlord through advise that he received from his deadbeat "disabled" friend and his friend's wife. Well, now his friend is slowly dying and is unable to represent my dad in court. And take a wild guess as to now who has to be the backbone of this operation?? You guessed it! Me... my sisters are supposed to help too but they aren't as confident as I am. Jerks don't scare me as much and I can voice my opinion better than they can. I don't blame them, I've had more practice. Taking care of his dying friend, forking money over to him like he has an endless supply and the lawsuit has completely consumed my dad's life. He is not looking for a job. He claims that he wants to retire. Well, who doesn't want to retire? I want to retire and I'm only 25! Working is a part of life. It is the only way to survive in a world full of the greedy and coldhearted. My dad is convinced that he is somehow going to win this lawsuit and then be set for life. Most people would tell me: " Relax Sarah! What can you do? You have plenty of space in your home. Just have him live there". Yea right! The last time my dad came over, we nearly tore each others faces off. I have grown up. I have my own opinion and it almost always clashes with my dads. He has reverted to acting like a teenage boy. Gawking at women while walking through the grocery store, claiming how rebellious he is feeling, during church. Not to mention his filter has somehow broke. He voices too much of what's going on in his head. I can't have him living in my home. Not to mention I don't want to be the one funding his "retirement". He's only around 54 years old. What am I to do?
So now that the background has been established, back to my original thought: Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I feel like I am living this really horrible dramatic life: thanks to the boredom and panic at work, and my family drama. Then I take a step back. I have a warm home, plenty of food, a loving husband and curious kitty who's always ready to entertain. What more do I need right? If I worry all the time, I am only doing more harm than good. How do I get myself to stop worrying? to stop panicking? My husband is a natural worrier as well, so when one of us starts to worry about everything, we both get worried.
Alright, that's it! I am typically not one for New Year's Resolutions but I think I should try one this year. My resolution is that I am going to stop worrying about everything. Admit that there is nothing I can do to change a situation. To offer my help when I can without bending myself in six different directions. I, Sarah G. can do this!!!
I have my work life. That is split into two sections: boredom and panic. Bored when I don't have anything to do and panic when I have something to do that I'm not fully keen on how to do. The only scent of reassurance there is that it's temporary, since I haven't been able to find a full time permanent job since I graduated in 2008.
Then I have my home life. The best part of my life! I live in a small town that you wouldn't know was separate from the towns around it if it weren't for the town line markers. I have been blessed with a wonderful 3 bedroom, 2 bath above ground cape that my wonderful husband worked so hard to purchase. We have no children yet, tho if feels like we live with a toddler with our little one year old kitten running around causing havoc, reaping every moment begging for my attention.
Last but not by any means least, my family life. Now by this I am not talking about my husband and I, we already covered that. I am talking about my dad and three sisters. My mom, who kept order amongst our home, passed away when I was 15. I am the second oldest who feels like she needs to be completely involved in each and every one of their lives or their lives will fall apart. This, in turn, will cause my life to fall apart by means of the slippery slope theorem. They will somehow lose the ability to financially support themselves or make some decision that will completely destroy their lives and then come running to me for help when it's too late. Causing me to bend myself, my husband and what meager finances we have at the time to fix whatever they did, just so they won't be living on the street. Surprisingly, I am not a neurotic mess... most of the time. Let me introduce you to my family:
There is the oldest of the four girls, Nikki. She was born late and tends to be a little slower than others. She often comes to me with weird questions about topics she should already have a grasp on at her age. I don't hold it against her one bit. I just try to explain it to her in a way that she could understand. Nikki lives away from home with whatever boyfriend she seems to have at the time. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but none of us can really afford to take her in. She's had a rough time with relationships and may not have a healthy view of how they work. Which kind of makes her an easy target, but hey, she hasn't been too much of a burden yet. Just a sense of worry in the back of my mind.
Next is Crystal, the third born. She started out as a major headache, but has grown up enough to where acceptance and worry is the only burden. I feel as though I have to teach her how to do life. I know this sounds controlling and a bit excessive compulsive, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. For example, I have been lately trying to teach her how to set up her own sleep schedule. This I feel should have learned by as a teenager. Crystal can't seem to realize that, when you wake up at 2PM, chances are you will probably not be able to fall asleep at 11PM. Little problems like that. She has grown up quite nicely though. She has been through a tough relationship that wasn't hard in a sense that they fought everyday. This relationship tore her from her family and made her think that we just didn't want her to be happy. She has, since then, departed from that relationship, started another one and moved into her first apartment. She is a worry because she has mentioned over Facebook that she may need a second job, and that she doesn't feel safe in her apartment because she lives next to a bar in a bad part of town. I am scared for her... but there is nothing I can really do for her but offer advice considering she moved so far from home.
Amber is the baby of the family. She is still in college and has had her share of bad roommates, like most college students. She is the one sister who is most like me, though she has her own taste about everything. She just has more of the similar common sense. Amber has also had her share of tough relationships. Her first boyfriend betrayed her and this second boyfriend never has the time to see her due to several factors. He is constantly working, he was issued a restraining order from Amber's landlord (long story short: her landlord is childish), and if he's not working, he's taking care of his two children. My only concern for her is graduating college and finding a job.
Last but not least there is my dad. In 2011, my dad got evicted from the apartment that he raised all four of his children in, got laid off and is now in the process of suing the landlord. My fear for him is that he is going to lose everything and will have no where to go but my house. This wouldn't be an issue if my dad was trying everything he could to stay on his own two feet, but he's not. He decided to sue his landlord through advise that he received from his deadbeat "disabled" friend and his friend's wife. Well, now his friend is slowly dying and is unable to represent my dad in court. And take a wild guess as to now who has to be the backbone of this operation?? You guessed it! Me... my sisters are supposed to help too but they aren't as confident as I am. Jerks don't scare me as much and I can voice my opinion better than they can. I don't blame them, I've had more practice. Taking care of his dying friend, forking money over to him like he has an endless supply and the lawsuit has completely consumed my dad's life. He is not looking for a job. He claims that he wants to retire. Well, who doesn't want to retire? I want to retire and I'm only 25! Working is a part of life. It is the only way to survive in a world full of the greedy and coldhearted. My dad is convinced that he is somehow going to win this lawsuit and then be set for life. Most people would tell me: " Relax Sarah! What can you do? You have plenty of space in your home. Just have him live there". Yea right! The last time my dad came over, we nearly tore each others faces off. I have grown up. I have my own opinion and it almost always clashes with my dads. He has reverted to acting like a teenage boy. Gawking at women while walking through the grocery store, claiming how rebellious he is feeling, during church. Not to mention his filter has somehow broke. He voices too much of what's going on in his head. I can't have him living in my home. Not to mention I don't want to be the one funding his "retirement". He's only around 54 years old. What am I to do?
So now that the background has been established, back to my original thought: Have you ever wondered if things could ever get any better, while at the same time, wondered if things are really all that bad to begin with? I feel like I am living this really horrible dramatic life: thanks to the boredom and panic at work, and my family drama. Then I take a step back. I have a warm home, plenty of food, a loving husband and curious kitty who's always ready to entertain. What more do I need right? If I worry all the time, I am only doing more harm than good. How do I get myself to stop worrying? to stop panicking? My husband is a natural worrier as well, so when one of us starts to worry about everything, we both get worried.
Alright, that's it! I am typically not one for New Year's Resolutions but I think I should try one this year. My resolution is that I am going to stop worrying about everything. Admit that there is nothing I can do to change a situation. To offer my help when I can without bending myself in six different directions. I, Sarah G. can do this!!!
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